Screwed
by I Know Your Name
Summary: Strange new town, strange new rules, and the guys are institutionalized for a multitude of mental disorders. Are they hopelessly screwed up and over? NO SHOUNENAI OR YAOI.
1. Gatekeeper

**Standard disclaimer applies.**

**All right. _Saiyuki _story four. We'll see how this one works out. Won't be able to update as frequently as I did the others, but here is chapter one! ****As usual, I start you with humor. We'll see how it progresses from there...;) Genre is subject to change. And, as usual, there is no shounen-ai or yaoi in this fic. Sorry, shounen-ai lovers:)**

**Review and I will love you forever. Please!!! (huge puppy eyes)**

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It had been a long day. In fact, it had been a hell of a long day. Gojyo stared morosely into the distance from his side of Jeep. Damn. Nothing had happened all day. Nothing. No youkai. No random humans with issues. No Jeep problems. No weird people from Hakkai's or Sanzo's past showing up. Kougaji and crew hadn't shown. Everything was fucking normal. 

It was a pain in the ass.

Why did it have to be normal today? Everything was such a fucking _routine_. They had left the hotel early. As usual. Hadn't stopped for lunch, just kept driving. As usual. He and Goku had had their usual fights, Hakkai had made his usual snide remarks, and Sanzo had fired the gun twice and beaten them both with the fan four times. Gojyo sighed in frustration. _Nothing _was going on. He glanced towards the horizon. The sun had almost set.

If nothing _was _going to happen today, they would definitely get to an inn before the sun set. That was what _normally _happened. Just a few more minutes…and…there.

It was a town. He could see it from here. A walled town. That was unusual. Gojyo smiled slightly, ignoring Goku's sudden cries of hunger, Sanzo's subsequent thwacks and growls, and Hakkai's chuckling. A walled town meant there was something in it worth protecting. Maybe beautiful women…? Maybe the entire town was full of gorgeous virgins just waiting to get laid by a demon-slayer. Dozens of gorgeous virgins. Maybe even a hundred. Or two hundred. Maybe this town had a special house for them or something. He could get in, somehow, and maybe tell them great stories…and they would be all over him…no, he _wasn't _going to rape them! Where the hell had _that _thought come from!?! He didn't rape women! Holy gods, why was his conscience suddenly butting its head in?

A tug on his hair distracted his attention. Gojyo slapped the hand away and stared at the source of the tug. Damn monkey. He had ruined the fucking moment!

"What the hell do you want?" He growled, glaring.

Goku pouted. "You're being really quiet, Gojyo." He looked at him closely, tilting his head. "It's weird."

Gojyo smirked. "Maybe I'm quiet because I'm thinking. Ever _thought _of that, kid, or is it too hard a task for your tiny brain?"

"My brain's not tiny!" Goku yelled, shoving himself closer to Gojyo with a scowl. "It's just as big as yours! Maybe even bigger!"

"Like hell it is, _saru_." Gojyo smirked even more. As normal as fighting with the monkey was, it at least passed the time until the got to the town. He glanced up. Which should be any minute now, judging by the sudden looming of the gate.

"I'M NOT A MONKEY!"

"SHUT UP!" Sanzo screamed, beating them both with the fan. Gojyo yelped his usual protests under the usual blows and sighed inwardly. There had better be something good in this next town…he slipped into another daydream about lovely, needy virgins. He could picture them now…on their knees…

"Eh, I'm sorry?"

Gojyo's head snapped up. Who was Hakkai talking to? He glanced up to see Hakkai leaning out of Jeep's side to face a man in the gatepost. The gatekeeper looked like an asshole. A tired asshole, at that.

"Listen, man. I already told you. If you want to get in, you each have to take a test."

"Shut the fuck up…" Sanzo began to mutter from beside Hakkai. The asshole in the booth looked sharply over at him. Gojyo saw Hakkai chuckle to cover Sanzo.

"Excuse my companion, please. He's a bit…under the weather."

The man growled. "If you want to get in, take the fucking test. Otherwise, get the hell away from this town."

"Hakkai, let's go." Sanzo growled. "We'll find another town."

Hakkai sighed. "According to the map, this is the last town for another two days."

"Big deal. We can camp."

"We don't have much food…"

"I'm HUNGRY!" Goku began to whine from next to Gojyo. "I'm REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY…"

"SHUT UP!" Sanzo screamed again. The man in the booth glared.

"Make up your minds! I'm ready to close the gate!"

"We'll take the test." Hakkai said quickly before any of the other three could say anything. Sanzo glared at him.

"Who the hell are you to say we'll take the damn test?"

Hakkai lowered his voice and turned to Sanzo, ignoring the dirty look the man in the booth gave him. "Sanzo, this is really the only town. And Goku _is _hungry. The test can't be that bad, can it?"

"Don't want to be fucking tested…"

"You too perfect for it, Sanzo-sama?" Gojyo interjected with a smug look.

"Shut the _fuck _up, ass for brains!"

"That's it." The man in the booth snapped. "You get in here and take the test—one at a time—or I close the gate."

Hakkai got out of Jeep. "Get out please, everyone."

Grumbling, they all got out. As usual. Even Sanzo. Hakkai glanced at the man.

"Can I go first?"

"All at once." The man gestured to a door behind the booth. "Come on."

"What about the jeep?" Hakkai asked, looking back at Jeep. The man snorted.

"You can get it when you're done." He glared at his watch. "Come on, I want to get out of here!"

Hakkai sighed and passed his hand over Jeep, then went inside. Goku followed him. Sanzo stayed outside with Gojyo. The _kappa _smiled and bowed, waving his hand.

"After you, your holiness."

"Get the hell out of my face, asshole!"

"Get in here!" The gatekeeper yelled. Growling, Sanzo went in, Gojyo following. Inside were several doors. Hakkai and Goku were nowhere in sight; Gojyo could only assume that they had been taken into one of the other rooms. The gatekeeper directed Sanzo into one room, then Gojyo into another.

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Entering the room, he could see only a chair and a table with a piece of paper and a pen on it. He turned around to ask the gatekeeper what it was, but the door had already shut. Muttering, he sat down in the chair and looked down at the paper. 

**PSYCHIATRIC EXAMINATION**

What the bloody hell was this? Gojyo skimmed the questions. Fucking questions…there were like a hundred! And there were at least three pages of paper here! It had looked like one page…that would have been fine…but three fucking pages? What the bloody hell? Gojyo growled at the paper. Fine, he would fill the fucking thing out. Damn the bloody stupid town. He smiled to himself. He'd show _them _who need a stupid examination!

He read the first question.

**1. Are you happy?**

**a. Yes.**

**b. No.**

**c. Most of the time.**

**d. A little bit.**

Of course it was "a"! Gojyo circled it with a vicious sweep of the black pen, and went on to question two.

**2. How often do you have sex?**

**a. Frequently **

**b. Never**

**c. Sometimes**

**d. One time.**

"A" again! Gojyo grinned and began to go through the questions at top speed. When he was finished, he opened the door. Hakkai, Goku, and the stupid monk were outside with the asshole of a gatekeeper. The gatekeeper glared at him.

"You done?"

"Yeah." Gojyo handed him the test. Grumbling, the gatekeeper took it into another room and shut the door. Gojyo slouched against the wall and began to roll a cigarette. Gods, that man was bitchy!

"What the hell is with that damn test?" He said to no one in particular. Hakkai shrugged gracefully, apparently nonchalant, but Gojyo could detect a small twitch in the man's façade.

"It was rather odd."

"'Odd' my ass! It was fucking weird!"

"Yeah, it was!" Goku piped up. "They asked me if I had had sex before!" He stared at Sanzo. "What's sex?"

"Ah, ha ha." Hakkai chuckled. Gojyo smirked at the monk. Sanzo's mouth worked for a second, and then he snarled at the brat.

"Sex? You idiot, it's whether you're a boy or a girl. That's what sex is, _baka saru!_"

Goku blinked. "But then why did it ask me how many times?" He scratched his head. "I can't be a guy more than one time, can I?"

Gojyo spit out his cigarette and doubled over laughing. Holy hell, the monkey was fucking hilarious! A guy more than one time…what was the brat picturing… Wheezing, he looked at the monk. The bastard was turning purple! This was too perfect! Hakkai looked as if he were trying to hide a smile. The_ youkai _should be enjoying it too.

The monk forcibly took control of himself and glared at the monkey. "The question was _flawed_."

The brat blinked again. "Really?"

"Yes, _really_. Now shut up! You're giving me another damn headache!"

"But…"

"Shut _up!_"

The monkey quieted, mumbling something to himself about sex and how he didn't understand and how it didn't make sense that somebody could be a boy lots of times. Gojyo grinned. This was priceless.

"Do you have a problem, dickhead?" Sanzo growled in his direction. Gojyo shook his head innocently.

"No problem at all, Sanzo-sama."

"Good."

The asshole came out of the back room, holding a piece of paper in his hand. His expression was…weird. Gojyo stared at him. What was _with _the guy? He looked…concerned?

"Excuse me."

"Yes?" Hakkai replied, smiling at him. The man swallowed.

"Your results were found to be dissatisfactory."

"Hn?" Sanzo growled. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Silently, the man handed them the paper. Hakkai took it and the three bent over it.

**TEST RESULTS**

**GOKU: hyperphagia, claustrophobia, disassociative identity disorder**

**GOJYO: paranoid personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder**

**HAKKAI: clinical depression, paranoid personality disorder, schizoid personality disorder, schizotypal disorder, antisocial, psychopathic**

**SANZO: clinical depression, paranoid personality disorder, schizoid personality disorder, schizotypal disorder, antisocial, psychopathic**

It was the monk who spoke first.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS THIS?" He glared at the gatekeeper, fists clenched. "THIS IS THE MOST FUCKING STUPID THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE!!!"

The gatekeeper backed away, holding his hands up protectively. "I can't help the results, sir…"

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

"Now, now, Sanzo." Hakkai said, his voice cool. "That's enough." He looked at the gatekeeper. Gojyo felt a chill go down his spine. Hakkai had his creepy smile on. "I'm sure there was just a mistake."

"No mistake." The gatekeeper said flatly, his eyes darting from Hakkai to Sanzo as he continued to back away towards the door. "It's correct."

Goku's forehead furrowed. "But I don't even know what this means!"

"It's shit, Goku." Gojyo growled. "That's all you need to know." He glared at the man.

Hakkai sighed and put his hand up to his head in his usual puzzled motion. "Eh, could we get into town now?"

"Just a minute." The gatekeeper said. "Let me call the inn and tell them you're coming." He darted into one of the rooms. The four stared after him.

"What the hell was that all about?" Gojyo demanded, pacing back and forth. "What the fuck was the use of that damn test?"

Hakkai's forehead wrinkled. "I don't know. It was rather odd."

Goku sniffed. "I smell something." His eyes crossed. "It smells funny."

Gojyo sniffed. The monkey was right. It did smell funny. What the…bloody…hell…

Everything went black.


	2. Transcript

**Disclaimer: Not mine. Satisfied?**

**Eh heh, yeah. Here's the long awaited Chapter 2 of _Screwed_. Sorry for being such an ass and taking so long. I'm trying to catch up on all of the stories I have to update yes, _Surface Reflection _is next, don't worry now that I'm out of school. Also, I've been distracted by an RP most of last semester, so...I have something of an excuse? Yes? Yes? **

** to you, review if you like, this one's for the patient and true**

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"So, Mr. Goku, tell me about your childhood."

"Not "Mister"—just Goku!"

"Alright, Goku."

"…"

"Mm?"

"Well…I don't remember my childhood."

"You don't remember?"

"Yeah, I just said that."

"Why do you think you don't remember?"

"…dunno. Just don't."

"You must have a reason."

"Nope. Just can't remember."

"Was there any traumatic incident in your past that might have precipitated a sudden loss of memory?"

"…wha…"

"sigh"

"…"

"Did something bad happen to you that could have hurt your head?"

"I hurt my head all the time. pause Sanzo hurts it a lot!"

"Sanzo does, does he. What does Sanzo do?"

"He hits me on the head with a paper fan!!!"

"…does he. Tell me, Goku, how do you feel about Sanzo hitting you with the fan?"

"It hurts!!!"

"Physically or emotionally?"

"Um…I just told you. It hurts, because he's got this HUGE fan and he's whacking me over the head with it, and I'm all "OO! OW, SANZO STOP IT! THAT HURTS SO BAD!" but he doesn't stop, and it hurts worse, and it hurts so bad I could die but no one's helping and it hurts so bad and someone should help but everyone just stands there and sometimes they laugh and…"

"…hold on, Goku. You said they sometimes laugh? And no one helps you?"

"Yeah, no one helps. It really sucks, you know?"

"…sounds like it. Does Sanzo do this frequently?"

"He does it a lot, if that's what you mean."

"Does that make you angry?"

"YEAH!"

"Calm down, Goku. I'm sure we can solve this problem."

"…wha…?"

"We can get Sanzo to stop hurting you."

"You can?"

"Of course."

"But…"

"But what, Goku?"

"I…dunno."

"Speak up. I want to help you."

"I…kinda like it. When he hits me, I mean."

"…why?"

"Cause…it shows me he cares, I guess. Maybe."

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**SESSION TRANSCRIPT: SANZO**

"So, Mr. Sanzo—"

"That's Sanzo-sama to _you_, asshole."

"Very well. Sanzo-sama then. You seem to have a bit of an…anger problem, shall we say."

"None of your business."

"I see. Well, I thought we might discuss some more productive ways to release your anger."

"Shut up."

"Instead of physically and verbally venting _on _others, perhaps you could engage in some mild exercise. I understand yoga has a proven positive effect…"

sounds of cursing and objects beings thrown

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**SESSION TRANSCRIPT: HAKKAI**

"So, Mr. Hakkai...I understand that you've had some anger management issues in the past, similar to your friend Mr. Sanzo."

"No, not at all."

"Wouldn't you consider murdering over twelve hundred people for the sake of one woman a little excessive? Perhaps –slightly- overdoing it?"

"No, not at all."

"Why not?"

"I'm afraid I couldn't say, sir. If you know me that well already, why be repetitive?"

"…I want to hear it from you."

"But surely that would be pointless, sir. You've already displayed a sincere determination not to listen to me."

"…I'm a therapist. I'm here to listen."

"Then why aren't you listening to me, sir?"

"I am listening to you."

"laugh That's strange. I thought you hadn't heard a word I've said."

"If you're referring to my questioning of your answers, that's simply because I needed the truth."

"The truth, sir? I would never dream of lying to you."

"The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have a problem. Come now, you _know _you have an anger management issue."

"I know only what you tell me, sir."

"…Mr. Hakkai, you must take our sessions together seriously in order to progress."

"I am taking them seriously, sir. Far more so than you, if I may be so bold. Ah hah, I'm being impolite again. Must be slipping. I apologize."

"It's not necessary to apologize, only to tell me what you feel."

"How am I to answer a question that hasn't been asked yet?"

"…it's the usual assumption."

"I'm not very emotionally intelligent, sir. You may have to help me."

"…"

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**SESSION TRANSCRIPT: GOJYO**

"So, Mr. Gojyo—"

"Just Gojyo."

"Gojyo. How do you feel about yourself?"

"Terrible."

"…really? Would you mind explaining that? Exactly what kind of a "terrible" do you feel?"

"As if my life is going to end. The world sucks, and everything in it sucks, and I can't seem to find the energy anymore. Nothing matters."

"You are aware, of course, that these are classic symptoms of depression?"

"Depression? What the hell are you talking about?"

"You feel as if you're worthless, don't you?"

"I didn't say that."

"But you do."

"I don't. pause I just need to get laid, is all."

"…laid. You attribute your current melancholy to your need for sex?"

"Well, yeah. I thought that was obvious, ya know? I mean, what's a guy supposed to do when he's locked up in a laboratory like this for weeks without seeing even one woman? There's no women, no porn…after a month of this, _you're _starting to look pretty good, if you know what I mean."

"pause Excuse me? Are you admitting to homosexual inclinations?"

"Did I say that?"

"You implied it."

"Ya know, man, when was the last time you had a woman?"

"What's…that's irrelevant."

"This is supposed to be a "sharing of feelings", right? I just wanna know."

"That's not your concern."

"Fine, but how am I supposed to trust you if you don't share stuff with me, if ya know what I mean. Here I am, pouring out my heart to you, and you're sitting there staring at me like a fish and talking like a dictionary. How am I supposed to relate, man? You're like a computer."

"…"


End file.
